


The Kids Aren't Alright

by Princex_N



Category: Kagerou Project
Genre: Depression, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-07
Updated: 2015-02-07
Packaged: 2018-03-10 21:06:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3303452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Princex_N/pseuds/Princex_N
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>"She's not in class. </i><br/><i>Ayano is always in class before you are, it's just the kind of person she is.</i><br/><i>But she's not there today. </i><br/><i>There are flowers on her desk." </i><br/>...<br/>A story about losing your best friend.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Kids Aren't Alright

She's not in class. 

Ayano is always in class before you are, it's just the kind of person she is. She comes in early, you arrive almost too late. 

But she's not there today. 

There are flowers on her desk. 

You look at them from the doorway of the classroom, a petal falls off and hits the table, you predictably don't hear the sound that it makes. The classroom is as loud as it always was, people are chattering casually, laughing with their friends. You look from them to the flowers. The dying flowers. They're already dying, and they're already over it. 

Your breath hitches in your chest. 

"Hey Shintaro!" someone calls from the front corner of the room, they smile at you when you look at them. Your breath stops, you turn and leave the classroom. 

You can't remember how many days it's been. You can't remember how many days it's been since Ayano killed herself, and the thought leaves you breathless. You can't breathe at all, it's like the air has been pulled out of the hallway that you're navigating. Your sudden suffocation doesn't stop you as you push through clusters of people though, you need to get out. Now. You can breathe later. 

You see that window and you think of her. You can hear the echoes of her laughter and see flashes of her smile in your head. How long will it be before you begin to forget them? 

You choke as you push your way up the stairs, slamming the door behind you, not bothering to do anything else. You can't breathe and now you're choking on the grief you were trying so desperately to ignore. You try to think through it and you find that you can't. You've been having a lot of trouble thinking recently, every thought traces back to her. 

She was everywhere. The tails of her scarf have wrapped around everything in your mind, you can't think of anything without thinking of her too. For as much as you acted irritated by it, you loved it. You loved her, she was your best friend, how could you not? You wonder if she knew that. 

You wonder if it was your fault.

Your knees hit the floor with a thud that reverberates up your bones, but you can't really feel the pain it causes. There are tears dripping down your face, but you can't remember when you started to cry. You're making loud, broken noises. Hitching whines and strangled sobs, you can't breathe through them, you can't remember when they started. 

You can't remember what it's like to live without her. 

Her smiles and her laughs and her stupid jokes and her enthusiasm and her love for everything around her. She was everything you weren't and everything that was good for you and now she's not here and you can't breathe without her. 

You kept hoping that she would come back. You kept hoping that it was a joke or a dream and she would call you one night, laughing brightly and asking if you enjoyed the joke, if she had won another one of your smiles. You hoped and you prayed to a god that you'd never believed in and you had never wanted your phone to go off more than you did in those moments. 

The utter silence surrounding you is suddenly too much for you to bear. Things were never quiet around Ayano, even when she wasn't speaking there was always noise. Her laughter, her humming under her breath, the crinkling of paper as she folded the cranes like she loved to, even her presence seemed to have a sound. There was never quiet, and for as many times you told her to shut up, you wanted to tell her to never stopped. 

There are tears blurring your vision and you can't see anything but you don't have to be able to see to know that she's not there because her lack of presence is starkly obvious. 

You thought your heart was broken before. That's nothing compared to this feeling. If it was broken before, it is shattered now. There aren't any pieces to pick up, there's nothing to fix because it's completely obliterated. It might as well have never been there at all. 

You were cruel and heartless before. Casual put downs and insulting jokes and you thought it was okay because her smiles never faltered. 

You want to take it all back. You want to do it all over again. You want to smile for her and laugh for her and tell her how wonderful she is and tell her how much she helped and how much you loved her and how much you cared about her and how much she meant to you. 

You want to take back every eye roll and 'shut up' and mean joke and sarcastic laughs and rude comments. You want to swallow the words and actions and you want to keep them locked within you because the one person you unleashed your bitterness on was the one person that never deserved it. 

You wish that maybe she never even entered into your life, never made that first joke, never laughed that first time, you wish the seating had never changed, because if she hadn't met you then she could still be here. You would rather live just watching her from the sidelines then have to live in a world where she doesn't exist anymore. 

You wonder how they're all so unaffected. You wonder how they can sit in that classroom and laugh and talk with her friends like the world is still a place they want to be. Like it hasn't been reduced to something flat and empty and meaningless, more meaningless than it ever was before. 

You can't recall when she became such an important fixture in your life, but it's as if the sun has gone out. 

The door opens behind you and there is someone trying to speak to you, but you can't hear them over the sound of your wailing. You're curled in on yourself, arms wrapped tightly around your middle and face buried into your knees because you don't even want to look at this roof, you don't want to look at anything anymore because she's not there to make it worth it. 

Someone's hand is on your back, rubbing in gentle circles as you weep hysterically. You don't know who it is, and you can't even bring yourself to care because you know who it's not and she's the only one you'd want here right now. 

The world is such a white and empty expanse with her no longer in it. 

You don't remember how to live a life that doesn't have her in it. 

You don't think you want a life like that much at all. 

**Author's Note:**

> Listen to the song [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIQqGdfdR8Y)  
> My tumblr is [here](http://www.princex-n.tumblr.com)  
> Hm, I don't mean to imply that Shintaro was super rude throughout their entire relationship, i just kind of figure that he's the guy that uses kind of insulting humor and doesn't mean much by it.


End file.
